The Impact of Grief on Libido and Emotional Intimacy

The SMSNA periodically receives and publishes ‘guest editorials.’ The current article was submitted by Mia Barnes, a freelance writer and researcher who specializes in women's health, wellness, and healthy living. She is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Body+Mind Magazine.

Bereavement is an intense emotional experience. It can trigger a range of negative emotions, such as confusion, denial, sadness and anxiety — as well as changes in libido and emotional intimacy. While each journey through grief is different, understanding its impact on your relationship with your partner can help you manage the pain better.

Discover the effects of grief on libido and emotional intimacy.

Emotional Distance

Connecting or communicating with your partner may feel challenging as you process your grief. The disconnect can create distance, which may lead to loss of sexual intimacy, isolation and loneliness. Overwhelming emotions can also trigger a sense of distance from reality, confusion and lack of focus, which can spill over into the relationship.

Loss of Libido

It may be difficult to feel aroused when you’re overwhelmed by sadness. Lower libido levels may lead to intimacy issues lasting months or years. Depending on how you manage your emotions, this effect is temporary.

Moreover, the nature of loss can also dictate your libido levels. For instance, the death of a child may lead to reluctance to reengage with sex because of the fear of becoming pregnant again.

Heightened Sex Drive

Arousal during grief is a typical response among other people. For some, their libido increases as having sex releases endorphins and oxytocin, which create positive feelings. However, sexual intercourse can be used as a way to avoid anxiety and sadness.

Heightened sex drive can often lead to feelings of guilt afterward. Consequently, the partner of the grieving individual may feel disconnected because the goal of the sex is to escape negative emotions rather than to connect with a partner.

Increased Conflict

Grief causes higher stress levels, which may lead to increased misunderstandings between you and your partner. This negative emotion can make you more sensitive to criticism, which may lead to overreactions or conflicts over minor issues.

Physical Discomforts

Grief can manifest physically, causing fatigue, sleep disturbances and other symptoms that reduce libido, including:

• Chest tightening, which can be similar to the symptoms of a panic attack
• Restlessness with no desire to do physical activities
• Constant crying
• Faster heartbeats
• Nausea, shaking and vomiting

Frustration

You may become frustrated when your partner doesn’t understand or validate your grief. Some people may refrain from sharing their feelings with their significant other, worrying they might burden them. As a result, they might internalize their emotions, leading to frustration.

If you’re the griever’s partner, you may wonder how long it will take for your partner to become intimate again. While it can be difficult, opening up to your partner about intimacy can make you feel guilty.

How to Talk About Emotional Intimacy While Grieving

Talking about emotional or sexual needs can be challenging but not impossible. Discover how to open up the topic more seamlessly.

1. Be Patient

There’s no timeline for how long grief lasts, and no correct way to feel it. After a year, the pain may still feel fresh or like it all happened in a long time. Be patient with yourself and deal with your feelings in your own time. Make sure to communicate this with your partner.

2. Practice Open Communication

Being candid about your feelings and needs can be challenging, but remember that your partner is supposed to help you. For instance, you may express your need for intimacy without sex until you navigate your negative feelings.

3. Seek Professional Help

Inform your partner if sadness is hampering your ability to perform daily activities. Communicate your need for professional support. A supportive significant other will be glad to guide you along the way.

Navigate Grief Better

Remember that there’s no right or wrong way to process grief. Time is the best healer, but proper communication and support can help you achieve recovery faster.

References: 

Jones, S., Albuquerque, S., Pascoal, P. (2024). Grief and Sexual Intimacy: Exploring Therapists’ Views of Bereaved Clients. International Journal of Sexual Health. 36(3), 425–437. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2024.2354815 

Watson, L. (2021, August 13). Why and How to Talk About Sex While Grieving. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/married-and-still-doing-it/202108/why-and-how-talk-about-sex-while-grieving 

Taraborelli, D. (2023, December 20).Understanding the Different Types of Grief. Sanctuary at Sedona. https://www.sanctuary.net/blog/different-types-of-grief/ 

Riley, C. (2023, June 19). How Does Grief Impact Sexual Desire and How to Talk About it with Your Partner. Hey Emma. https://heyemma.com/how-does-grief-impact-sexual-desire-and-how-to-talk-about-it-with-your-partner/