How Can I Approach a Conversation About Sex With My Partner?

How Can I Approach a Conversation About Sex With My Partner?

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and this principle extends to the intimate aspects of a partnership. Addressing and expressing one’s sexual needs, desires, and boundaries is an important component of maintaining a satisfying and fulfilling connection with a partner. The following strategies can be used to improve communication around sex, cultivating a deeper understanding between partners.

Understand Your Own Needs

Before engaging in a conversation with your partner about your sex life together, it is essential to have a clear understanding of your desires and boundaries. Reflecting on your own preferences, fantasies, and limits allows you to articulate your needs more confidently. Consider taking time for self-exploration and introspection to gain insights on your desires.

Consider the Time and Setting

Initiating a conversation about sexual needs requires a thoughtful approach. Select a time and setting where both you and your partner can engage in an open and private dialogue without interruptions. This will ensure that the conversation remains focused, and both individuals feel comfortable expressing themselves. Importantly, these conversations are better suited to take place outside of bedroom, even though they deal with intimate topics. When both participants are fully clothed and at ease, they may be better able to express their ideas on intimacy without feeling too vulnerable or taking offense too easily.

Use “I” Statements

When communicating your sexual needs, it can be useful to employ “I” statements to express your feelings and desires without placing blame or making accusations. For example, say, “I feel more connected when we engage in intimate activities,” rather than framing it as, “You never initiate sex.” This approach promotes a more collaborative and non-confrontational discussion.

Encourage Open Communication

Create a safe space for your partner to share their own needs and desires. Encourage open communication by actively listening to your partner without judgment. Mutual understanding is critical for building trust and intimacy. Try to be receptive to your partner’s feedback and make an effort to understand their perspective.

Explore Together

Embark on a journey of exploration with your partner. Discuss shared fantasies, try new activities, and be open to experimenting within the boundaries established by both parties. This collaborative exploration may lead to a deeper connection and allow each partner to discover more about the other person’s desires.

Educate Yourself

Take the initiative to educate yourself about sexual health and wellness. Understanding the anatomy, physiology, and psychology of intimacy can enhance your ability to communicate effectively with your partner. Knowledge can empower you to discuss sexual needs with confidence and clarity.

Seek Professional Guidance

If communicating about sexual needs becomes challenging or if there are underlying issues impacting intimacy, consider seeking the assistance of a relationship counselor or sex therapist. These professionals are trained to facilitate discussions around intimate matters and provide guidance on enhancing sexual communication.

Looking for more information on sex therapy and sex education? Check out the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT):

For more information on this topic, please read these publications from the ISSM Journals: The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Sexual Medicine Reviews, and Sexual Medicine Open Access:

Couplepause: A New Paradigm in Treating Sexual Dysfunction During Menopause and Andropause

The CLOSER (CLarifying Vaginal Atrophy’s Impact On SEx and Relationships) Survey: Implications of Vaginal Discomfort in Postmenopausal Women and in Male Partners


  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.

  • McCarthy, B. W., & McCarthy, B. W. (2015). Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages. Brunner-Routledge.

  • Tiefer, L. (2001). Sex is not a natural act and other essays. Westview Press.

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