Is It Healthy to “Fake It”? How to Talk to Your Partner About Mutually Reaching an Orgasm

According to recent research, approximately 52% of women have reported faking an orgasm at least once in their lifetime. The most common reason provided for why women may fake orgasms has historically been embarrassment – whether on their behalf or on their partner’s behalf. As an example, 78% of women in relationships have reported faking orgasm in order to avoid conflict with or spare the feelings of their partner, while around 47% have faked it just to please their partner. However, women may also fake an orgasm because of boredom, exhaustion, or inability to orgasm in the moment, either because of intoxication, anorgasmia (distressing inability to orgasm), or other interferences. On some occasions, faking an orgasm can be a way to heighten arousal and make for a more intense and satisfying final orgasm.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there is far less research available detailing men’s propensity to fake an orgasm (yes, it’s possible). One study conducted on gay men showed that about 85% of participants reported faking at least one orgasm in the past 2 years. Another study comparing college aged male and female students showed that around 25% of males have reported faking orgasm at least once during a sexual encounter (not just during penetrative sex). Reasons for men to fake an orgasm are similar if not the same as for women: anorgasmia, boredom, exhaustion, intoxication, or reasons related to romantic partner relationships.

Despite the noted benefit for women (heightened arousal or increase in real orgasm intensity), faking an orgasm can have negative effects on sexual health, which encompasses sexual pleasure and satisfaction. While some individuals may be attempting to appease their romantic or sexual partner, they may also be neglecting their own sexual needs in the process. Yes, it is still possible to feel pleasure and satisfaction from activities leading up to orgasm, such as foreplay, emotional intimacy, etc., however, orgasms are seen as an important aspect of sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

For one, an orgasm provides a release of dopamine – which helps regulate mood, focus, motivation, and movement – and may help with mental health. Orgasms have also been associated with increased relaxation, improved sleep, pain relief, increased immune system functioning, and mental health improvements. If someone were to choose to fake an orgasm, they may be depriving themselves of these mental health benefits.

Conversely, if a person is faking an orgasm because of anorgasmia or because it is painful to orgasm, there may be underlying issues, and this may be a sign to speak with a healthcare professional.

Talking to A Partner About Mutually Reaching Orgasm

To preface, “mutual” is not the same as “simultaneous,” meaning both partners do not need to orgasm at the same time, just with the same consistency. It’s important to communicate with your romantic or sexual partner if you would like to appreciate the benefits of reaching orgasm with them; it may be beneficial for your relationship health, mental health, and sexual health.

1. Start outside of the bedroom: By approaching the topic of intimacy outside of the intimate space of the bedroom, you remove some of the discomfort and heightened anxiety associated with the topic.
2. Be sensitive: Many individuals view their romantic partner faking an orgasm as a form of lie and may be upset by the information. Remaining calm and sensitive to their feelings can help promote a productive conversation.
3. Know your body: If you do not know how you best reach orgasm, it is unlikely that you will be able to express to a partner how they can help you do the same. Take the time to explore what arouses you and ultimately, what makes you orgasm.
4. Express your needs: Perhaps as a cisgender woman, you require clitoral stimulation and a lot of foreplay prior to penetrative sex in order to reach orgasm. Or, as a cisgender man you prefer a little extra stimulation at other body parts (nipples, scrotum, etc.) during penetration, as well as a lot of foreplay. Perhaps you need to be more emotionally stimulated. This is information your partner will want to know in order to help you reach orgasm. It’s important to know that what works for them may not work for you and vice versa.
5. Take the time to explore: Spend some intimate time together and find a rhythm that works for you. Maybe one partner is the focus during one sexual session, and the other partner gets the focus on the next. Maybe you begin to spend more time on foreplay or add clitoral stimulation to penetration.

The most important thing to remember is that open and consistent communication is key. Not every sexual encounter will necessarily include both partners reaching orgasm; the goal is to even out the frequency between partners. Consider speaking with a sexual therapist if the problem persists. If a lack of orgasm becomes consistent or is distressing, it’s recommended you speak with a sexual health professional.

References:

Anorgasmia: Causes, symptoms, diagnosis & treatment. Cleveland Clinic. (2025a, March 19). https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24640-anorgasmia

Barnett, M. D., Maciel, I. V., Van Vleet, S., & Marsden, A. D. (2019). Motivations for faking orgasm and orgasm consistency among young adult women. Personality and Individual Differences, 149, 83–87. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.05.031

Cleveland Clinic. (2025, March 19). Dopamine: What it is, Function & Symptoms. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22581-dopamine

Cleveland Clinic. (2025, February 11). Understanding sexual performance anxiety. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/sexual-performance-anxiety

Dienberg, M.-F., Oschatz, T., Piemonte, J. L., & Klein, V. (2023). Women’s orgasm and its relationship with sexual satisfaction and well-being. Current Sexual Health Reports, 15(3), 223–230. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-023-00371-0

Hevesi, K., Horvath, Z., Sal, D., Miklos, E., & Rowland, D. L. (2021). Faking orgasm: Relationship to orgasmic problems and relationship type in heterosexual women. Sexual Medicine, 9(5), 1–1. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.esxm.2021.100419

Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. (2024, January 19). Tips for talking about sexual needs with a partner. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/in-depth/womens-sexual-health/art-20047771

Muehlenhard, C. L., & Shippee, S. K. (2010). Men’s and women’s reports of pretending orgasm. Journal of Sex Research, 47(6), 552–567. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490903171794

Wongsomboon, V., McIltrot, E. A., & Sietins, E. (2023). Occurrence, frequency, and correlates of faking orgasm and satisfaction in sexual minority men. The Journal of Sex Research, 61(4), 629–637. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2023.2198997